woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
