I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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