I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
