I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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