Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
