you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
