i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
