was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
