i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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