just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
