if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
