Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
