I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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