come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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