you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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