so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
