If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
