I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
