Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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