she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How did I end up in the pool?!
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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