Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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