I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
