The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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