I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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