I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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