My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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