Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
