You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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