the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
BRING THE BAGELS
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Success! We fucked roommates!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
