So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
