so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
