I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
