I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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