I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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