if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
