The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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