So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
