Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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