Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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