god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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