you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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