Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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