i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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