I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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