new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
