Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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