I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
barbara walters just said penis...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
