apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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