i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
