Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
