Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
