I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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