where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
