Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
