Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
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I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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