WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
