I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
