I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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