I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
