How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
