Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
