i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have peed in a lot of sinks
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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