remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
