We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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