margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
